Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with a crippling muscle cramp chewing into my leg. I think, “I wish someone was here to help me. I wish someone could massage the pain out.” Or, pain aside, I want to reach out and find someone next to me in the darkness and not care about anything else that may have happened to the world while we slept.
Sometimes I cough so hard that it triggers my gag reflex and I throw up a little bit, but I wasn’t expecting it, so it sprays out over my hand in a dripping mess. I think “I’m glad there is no one else here to see this. Who would want to witness this horrible display? No one.” No one would tolerate how I choose to do my laundry or re-use my dishes or not shower until later.
Hunter S. Thompson spoke of knowing the “dead-end loneliness of a man who makes his own rules.” I’ve been alone for going on seven years now. In that time I have honed the skills needed to be on my own. Certain habits and practices are deeply ingrained. I know myself and what I want better than I ever have. It is like I started out as a simple puzzle piece with rounded edges, with many potential compatibilities. But then I found myself with years of introspection to while away and antsy hands that set themselves to whittling complex patterns along the edges of the piece.
Now no one fits. Or maybe only one fits. Or the ones that might fit aren’t interested in fitting.
I fall in love with rounded edges, my heart forgetting that I myself haven’t had them in quite some time.
I don’t know if I can really say that I like this, but in many ways I feel much the same.
As a Landmark graduate, I’m sure you still remember that life is all about choices and there is no point in projecting the past into the future. It’s not what you have done in your nearly 39 years of life. But, what you want your life to be like tomorrow.
No one can change you but yourself. Thus, looking for someone to “Change your life” happens only in the movies. And, do not expect to change anyone. The trick is to find someone who will accept you as you are and for you to be open-minded as well. In physics, opposite bodies attract each other. The more differences between you and your partner, the more you need each other.
Many people do not “Close the Sale” because they never ask. You’ll never know if someone “Fits” if you do not ask. It takes guts to overcome vulnerability. But, what do you have to lose? Another lonely night?